WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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