Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
