at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
