He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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