Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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