I just pynch a tree in the face
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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