Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
you will always have a special place in my vag
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
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