The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
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