saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
it hurts more in the daytime
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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