Buhtt sex?
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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