sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
a search helicopter?!
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
