I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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