Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize
