There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I AM VODKA MAN
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
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