Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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