he shaved USA in his pubs
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
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