my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
