Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
