The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
