My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
