You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
