You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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