This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
