someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
