we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
It was like getting head from an anaconda
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
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