My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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