i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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