im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
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