i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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