nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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