I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I FOUND THE LEGS
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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