i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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