then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
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