here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Randomize
