She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
love makes seman taste better
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize