Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
