Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize