Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
