i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
