Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
