the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
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