Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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