Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
