is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Randomize
