Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
