I feel like I'm in dance class right now
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
