And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
