i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
