i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
