Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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