Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Randomize
