Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
