I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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