I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
My ass is underappreciated
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
