The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
